Why we do what we do…

Sometimes, I think that I am moody. Not in a negative light necessarily… Actually the term moody, to me has a negative connotation, but never the less, I know that I am moody. I wake up and the world seems dismal one morning…Or I go to work, and the process seems futile, even though it all pays the same (I tell myself). And on my drive home I listen to the radio and try to extrude some kind of harmonious melody from the speakers, and all there is some nasally kid in a high pitch voice singing to the music of not-so-good clones, of other clone bands of great musicians. Or I get home and talk to my kids and the two little ones are arguing about who is the biggest nerd, and when I ask my two teenagers, how their days went, they whitewash me, and I just think about how they have been given a life that I dreamt of having for myself all the while growing up welfare poor, by giving them what I didn’t have, they seem ill equipped to deal with their lives and it worries me. And then when I talk to my wife, about how she thinks that there might be something ailing her, again, I wonder if she will ever just be “fine”. And that frustrates me.

But then there are other days that I wake up, and I am so happy to be alive in a place and time that seems to be so “me”. And work seems to be this gravy train of a situation that I can just kick back and put my forty in four days, and have a three day weekend, every, single, week. And on the way home, I have a CD of a group that I love to listen to, and maybe I’ll just listen to the same song over and over again, because it’s that good. Or when I get home, my two little ones received stars on their school papers (this means that they got all of their work done at school), and one will tell me a hilarious incident from a time before. Or one of my two oldest will ask me for my opinion on something as to actually care to what I have to say, and that I might be right about it! And then when I talk to my wife, she tells me how she talked some sense into someone that she knows (because my wife IS one of the wisest people that I have ever known or even came close to meeting) and that makes me feel comfortable.

I don’t know why the world seems to hit me in such extreme ways all of the time, like I can never find a middle ground….But I do know this, for all of the times that I feel love, anger, frustration, futility, anxiety, elation, mediocre complacency, overwhelming sympathy, or any other feeling that makes me remember that I am alive, for all of these times – I have one thing that I will always do….I draw.

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